Don't worry, I am not returning home early. I may suffer haha, but I will not go home until I have accomplished the 18 months. It may be the hardest thing I have ever done, but it also contains the happiest moments of my life. There is a quote from Elder Holland, one sentence of this quote says "All the hardships, all the tears, all the hard work will be looked back upon as the best thing you've ever done, not because you baptized everyone, but because you gave it everything you had, even when you didn't think you could, and especially when you didn't want to." The rest of the quote is amazing too but, it is so true!! I am out here and I am exhausted and worn out, and drained, but I am giving it all I've got. I will not let myself go home, thinking about times where I could of tried harder, times where I was selfish with the Lord's time, times where I could of been more obedient. I will work harder than I ever have before, just because I can, and just because the Lord has commanded me to give my life up for 18 months. I may whine and mumble, but in the end it is the Lord's work and it will be done. I am human, I am weak, I am imperfect, I am a missionary, I am a representative of Christ, and I am a daughter of God.
Let's see, this week we did a church tour with some older couples, it was cool. One of them was a chiropractor and at the end of the tour he said to me "You are a very pretty girl, you just need to fix your posture, straighten your back and suck in your stomach." I told him that I haven't heard that since I have been home with my mom correcting me. He was a funny guy. Yesterday, at church we were learning about agency and how if we would have followed Satan's plan then we would have been unhappy with no emotion or care or anything. I had a thought that I need to study about agency more today, so I did. My knowledge of agency has definitely grown throughout my mission, which is a weird thing to say but it is true. I realized that throughout my life and definitely on my mission I have taken away my own agency. I don't decide for myself, I don't even know how to make most decisions. I want to make others happy, so I choose to do what they want or let them get what they want. And I live my life the way that others want me to. I guess that is me using my agency to adapt to others choices, but I have lost MY agency. I am scared of doing wrong, hurting others, doing something that they don't like. I am scared of my decisions affecting others, so I don't decide. I do what they want, so they are happy. When others are happy it makes me happy, but now I am not happy. I realized that this is the reason for my depression because I let my agency be taken from me. I don't know how to decide for myself, even with the smallest things, it is so hard for me to decide on choices that don't affect my eternity. Heavenly Father has given us agency to learn and choose for ourselves, but I forgot how. This is something I will be working on.
Anyway, we had a really cool activity for the youth this past Saturday. We spoke to them about missionary work and then Laura (recent Convert) told her conversion story and her testimony, (well pretty much talked mostly about me), even though it wasn't me that changed her, it was the spirit and the Lord. Then the youth went out knocking on doors and we had them fill out a 5 question survey about their relationship with God. Some had success, a lot didn't, but they got to experience what it is like to do missionary work and they loved it! And we got referrals so wahoo!! It was cool. Even an investigator came to this activity and loved it! I love you and I miss you so much! Also my friends, wholly molly how I miss them more than anything! When I get back they will all be married and it will be weird! But good for them.