Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Email - January 27

  Don't worry, I am not returning home early. I may suffer haha, but I will not go home until I have accomplished the 18 months. It may be the hardest thing I have ever done, but it also contains the happiest moments of my life. There is a quote from Elder Holland, one sentence of this quote says "All the hardships, all the tears, all the hard work will be looked back upon as the best thing you've ever done, not because you baptized everyone, but because you gave it everything you had, even when you didn't think you could, and especially when you didn't want to." The rest of the quote is amazing too but, it is so true!! I am out here and I am exhausted and worn out, and drained, but I am giving it all I've got. I will not let myself go home, thinking about times where I could of tried harder, times where I was selfish with the Lord's time, times where I could of been more obedient. I will work harder than I ever have before, just because I can, and just because the Lord has commanded me to give my life up for 18 months. I may whine and mumble, but in the end it is the Lord's work and it will be done. I am human, I am weak, I am imperfect, I am a missionary, I am a representative of Christ, and I am a daughter of God. 
   Let's see, this week we did a church tour with some older couples, it was cool. One of them was a chiropractor and at the end of the tour he said to me "You are a very pretty girl, you just need to fix your posture, straighten your back and suck in your stomach." I told him that I haven't heard that since I have been home with my mom correcting me. He was a funny guy. Yesterday, at church we were learning about agency and how if we would have followed Satan's plan then we would have been unhappy with no emotion or care or anything. I had a thought that I need to study about agency more today, so I did. My knowledge of agency has definitely grown throughout my mission, which is a weird thing to say but it is true. I realized that throughout my life and definitely on my mission I have taken away my own agency. I don't decide for myself, I don't even know how to make most decisions. I want to make others happy, so I choose to do what they want or let them get what they want. And I live my life the way that others want me to. I guess that is me using my agency to adapt to others choices, but I have lost MY agency. I am scared of doing wrong, hurting others, doing something that they don't like. I am scared of my decisions affecting others, so I don't decide. I do what they want, so they are happy. When others are happy it makes me happy, but now I am not happy. I realized that this is the reason for my depression because I let my agency be taken from me. I don't know how to decide for myself, even with the smallest things, it is so hard for me to decide on choices that don't affect my eternity. Heavenly Father has given us agency to learn and choose for ourselves, but I forgot how. This is something I will be working on. 
   Anyway, we had a really cool activity for the youth this past Saturday. We spoke to them about missionary work and then Laura (recent Convert) told her conversion story and her testimony, (well pretty much talked mostly about me), even though it wasn't me that changed her, it was the spirit and the Lord. Then the youth went out knocking on doors and we had them fill out a 5 question survey about their relationship with God. Some had success, a lot didn't, but they got to experience what it is like to do missionary work and they loved it! And we got referrals so wahoo!! It was cool. Even an investigator came to this activity and loved it! I love you and I miss you so much! Also my friends, wholly molly how I miss them more than anything! When I get back they will all be married and it will be weird! But good for them.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Email 2 - January 20

   So this week has been kind of crazy! On Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I stayed with the sisters in Yuma, Sister Rawlings and Sister Rich. It was fun, but I love being in a trailer. I didn't know I would ever say that in my life. I think I am just going to live in the foothills of Yuma forever, if that is okay. K not really, but it is pretty great here. I have so many best friends here. I am glad to be working with Sister Funke again. It is fun to catch up with each other and since we already know each other we can just get right to work. She is still better than me at Spanish, of course. Because she has only worked in Spanish almost her whole mission in Gilbert and Tempe. But not too much better where I feel inadequate. She will help me a lot. 
   Now in our zone there are only 2 other sister companionships and they are rockin! So, that makes it a whole lot easier for us as sister training leaders. An elder from my high school just got transferred to my zone, Elder Spencer Richards. We didn't know each other really too much before, but I knew who he was and one of my friends married his brother, recently. 
   We have like no investigators right now! Only like 4 or 5 because all of them were baptized. So, we have been working a lot with the recent converts. We saw the Cabrera's, he was the one that told me that I am the "Big OG" here haha which means like "old gangsta god" or something like that. I love their family! They promised to come to church this past Sunday and I thought for sure they would... but no :(  But, when we went over there they were saying how much they love me and how they know I am here for them. I totally believe that too, that I am here for them. 
   I have been doing a lot better, not as depressed and longing for home. I am a lot happier, but still it will take some time to be fully healed, I guess. I just wish I could rejuvenate my body, mind, and spirit for a few days. I definitely know I am suppose to be here right now. I don't exactly know why but I am and I love it! 
   I have been thinking a lot about how people say that Heavenly Father won't give us more than we can handle. I read something that said this isn't true. That he does give us more than we can handle. I thought more about it and realized Heavenly Father gives us more than we can handle because if He didn't than we would not rely on Christ or Him at all. He gives us enough that we let down our pride and put our faith in Him, that we may ask Him for help. If He didn't give us more than we could handle as human beings than we wouldn't learn, it is our souls, our spirits that remember who our Father and Savior is when our human bodies can't handle anymore.

Email - January 20

"Guess who's back, back again, Funke is back, tell a friend" 
Entonces mi companera es Hermana Funke otra vez check check
I'm the big OG in los foothills de Yuma hollaaaa! 
yeah boi.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Email - January 13

First of all thank you for your encouragement and prayers for me. This week was a lot better but still a little ya know. Soooo.... TRANSFER NEWS...
I am leaving... nope scratch that I am definitely staying hahahaha again... What the! Apparently the Lord has something/someone I need to help here still. I love it here. I would just really love to experience something different as well. I am still a sister training leader and I am being sent a companion, I don't know who it is until Wednesday. Today my companion left, this morning. She will be flying home tomorrow and she left so much stuff in our trailer... now I have to clean it out again! I think I am just going to live here the rest of my life :) Our next transfers are February 26th. I am excited for this next transfer but we need to find new investigators because all of our investigators are now recent converts. 
   This Friday we had 5 baptisms!!! Cathy Gray, Madyson and Lucas Gray were baptized. I love their family so much!! We have been teaching them forever!! I started teaching them with Sister Pinnock. So that was a blessing to finally see this baptism. We had Brandon May (16) get baptized. He is a friend of the Gray's and Cathy's boyfriend (Mark, who is a member). Brandon's family will hopefully be following after his example soon. Also Kenny Wright was baptized. His wife is a member. The sisters in Yuma taught him and prepared him and then his family moved to the Foothills so we got to finish teaching him and help him be baptized. It was really great!! Miracles happen!! It is amazing to see families come together in this amazing journey and eventually enter into the temple. 
   So yesterday the song "Now that we're Men" popped into my head during Sunday school, I thought it was funny. Ya know from Spongebob movie.

Email - January 6

   I went to Somerton for exchanges this week. It was really fun, I got to speak a lot of Spanish and got to ride a bike and eat Mexican food. I loved it! It is fun to experience new things because I haven't experienced any new areas on my mission.

    This week has been the hardest week of my existence as a missionary. I am done, my strength and tolerance and patience has been all used up. I never ever want to feel this way again in my life. I feel like I am a failure, I have been so depressed and I know the Lord blessed me so much during that Christmas week. I hate writing an email like this but, I have to get it out someway. Thursday, was the worst day I have had in my whole mission. My companion is driving me to heck and so sorry for rambling but Thursday came around and I just couldn't handle it anymore. She just tried and tried to crack me open and make me talk but I don't like to talk and especially to her. I just wanted to be alone and she wouldn't leave me alone. I really am depressed and it is hard as heck but I will NOT EVER GIVE UP!! I am glad I am the one suffering and it is not some other sister putting up with her. We just don't mix and I feel bad because I am bringing down the whole companionship. It is hard to have the spirit when we are not getting along. I'm really sorry for saying all this but it is hard to deal with it alone. I dread waking up in the morning, but I do it anyway. It is not fun. But I did not come out here for fun, I did not come out here for me, I came out here for the Lord, and I am not doing His work well because of these things I feel. One week left of this. I will probably be staying in this area unless they white wash it but who knows. I am absolutely ready for something new but I will probably stay here and I love it here. Sorry I am so unhappy and I am sick of holding it to myself. I know I will grow from this and I already have tremendously!